This is an anonymised story of a woman and her husband’s struggle with drug addiction. She shares some of her experiences as she tried to manage his illness, and how they eventually found hope for the future.
“When someone you love battles addiction, the weight of it can consume everything, and you will tell yourself anything in order to cope.”
When I first heard the word ‘enabler,’ it felt like a harsh, judgmental word. My initial reaction was to deny it, because I was just being a loving wife, naturally and instinctively trying to be there for my husband and protect our family.
In those early days, you convince yourself you’re holding the fort, shielding them from consequences, keeping your family afloat, and clinging to what’s normal. This is not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault, in fact.
But somewhere in all that protecting, you slowly come to realise that, without meaning to, you are allowing the illness to progress.
The truth about my husband’s drug addiction that took years to unveil
The hardest lesson I learned about addiction was a simple, sad truth: addiction can make people lie. My husband was no exception.
How deeply he loved me, how much we had shared, and how much his children meant to him couldn’t stop him from lying to survive the addiction that had taken hold. He lied to his boss, his family, his friends, and most heartbreakingly, he lied to himself.
It was not a lack of love, by any means. He felt ashamed, but the addiction’s voice was louder, so he needed to shield himself from the uncomfortable truth – that his cocaine use had spiralled beyond his control.
He felt overcome by his addiction, and I did too. I tried everything. I tried anger, threats, compassion, and understanding, but nothing could make it go away.
Growing up with my father’s valium addiction had taught me that denial isn’t a character flaw, it’s a survival mechanism. When the truth is too painful to face, lies can become a lifeline to people with addiction. Even when they know they’re causing pain.
What I told myself to believe
Here’s what I learned along the way, because I started hiding the truth too, not just from myself, but from people around me.
Hopefully, my advice can help you seek treatment for your loved one sooner, because time is something you’ll never get back, but you can get back your husband, and you can get back your life.
Here are five things I told myself that weren’t completely true, and what I learned when I stopped believing them.
1. “He doesn’t use it that much, just to help him unwind occasionally.”
I remember sitting in a Nar-Anon meeting, thinking there were people far worse off than my husband. “It’s like his end-of-week reward,” I’d say. But I was asking myself a difficult question here. Instead of “How much is too much?”, it might have been better to ask whether any amount was ok.
For someone with an addiction, casual use is not an option. One drink for someone who is addicted to alcohol, one line for a dependent cocaine user…that could be all it takes to restart the cycle.
2. “He’s not as bad as my dad was.”
Growing up with my father’s valium addiction gave me a benchmark. I spent years and years comparing my husband’s cocaine use to my dad’s pills, telling myself this was somehow better and more manageable.
Therapy showed me that this comparison was more of a deflection, a way to avoid facing our reality. You can’t measure one person’s addiction against another’s.
3. “It’s not hurting anyone – the kids don’t know, so it’s ok.”
This might be the hardest one. I genuinely felt that I was protecting everyone, that I was strong enough to handle it. And that maybe if I carried on being supportive and understanding, he could get better by himself.
But addiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Our children asked where Daddy was; they felt his absence even when he was there, but I was so busy trying to manage the chaos that I couldn’t see clearly how it was reshaping all of us.
4. “He could stop if he wanted to – he’s choosing to continue.”
For years, this belief caused me lots of sadness and anger. Why is he choosing drugs over our marriage, over our family?
But addiction isn’t a choice you make, it’s a choice that gets taken away from you. Deciding to quit isn’t about character or willpower. His brain had been rewired to crave cocaine, and that craving doesn’t disappear just because you want it to, even if you want it more than anything.
5. “It hasn’t changed me at all.”
Seven years later, this one haunts me most. I convinced myself I was unchanged, unaffected, still myself despite everything that was happening.
The truth was I was suffering mentally, and I became someone I didn’t recognise. I called in sick for him when he passed out. I told our children he was away on business when he didn’t come home for days. I lied to his mother when she sensed something was wrong.
I became an expert at covering, explaining, and pretending because love made me a part of the cycle of secrecy.
If, like me, you find that love is hiding the real truth, trust me when I say that the longer you hide from it, the harder it can become. But there is a way forward.
Accepting the truth and seeking help
Coming out of denial myself was the breaking point our family needed. It was actually one of my children saying, “What’s wrong with Daddy?” that made me pause and realise that it wasn’t just Daddy who was feeling a loss of control, but Mummy too.
To heal my family, it was time to be honest, and I stopped worrying about what others might think. Somehow, when I let myself be honest, it allowed my husband to be open to seeking help.
Fortunately, we had health insurance, so we could access addiction treatment at Smarmore Castle. Without their help, I’m not sure how we would have moved forward together, but through the treatment and rehab, we’ve managed to rebuild our lives, brick by brick.
Years later, I can now trust him again. It has taken time and many steps to get where we are now, but it’s been worth it because it saved my husband’s life, and mine, too.
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What I wish someone had told me
The most difficult realisation was not that my husband was sick – I knew that. But I wish someone had told me my own healing was just as important as his. I spent so long trying to fix or cover the problem that I neglected myself.
When I stopped trying to manage it and started focusing on my own healing, something happened, and the whole family dynamic began to shift and change. Recovery wasn’t just about him stopping; recovery is about all of us involved finding a way back to a life that is honest and whole.
What helped us rebuild
To repair our family, we both needed help, even though it felt hard at times. He was in rehab, focusing on his individual treatment, and I came to understand the disease and my role in it.
We found out that the only way to heal was to be truthful about the damage and focus on rebuilding trust between us, one honest conversation at a time. It took understanding, commitment, and lots of it. But our story wasn’t over; it was just beginning a new chapter.
You don’t have to face this alone
At Smarmore Castle, we understand that addiction affects entire families; it’s never just about the person struggling. With this compassion and understanding, our addiction treatment programme addresses both the addiction itself and the difficult issues that can develop in relationships over time.
If you recognise yourself in this story, whether you are struggling with addiction or you are a loved one caught in the cycle, please know that recovery is possible for everyone involved.
Our team can help the individual with addiction and also support their families and loved ones. When everyone who’s been affected is included, finding your way back is the most heartwarming story of all.
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